‘Where you go, I will go’

I performed a marriage last weekend.  It was a beautiful affair, with the bride in white, the groom in a tuxedo, and a beautiful view of the Valley. We had beautiful bridesmaids, lovely flowers, and the mothers of both the bride and the groom behaved themselves. The meal after the ceremony was delicious, and the cake was wonderful. All in all, it was a home run, as weddings go. Along with Valentine’s Day, this wedding has started me thinking about love.

During the wedding I shared my favorite wedding scripture. It comes from the book of Ruth, a part of the Old Testament, the Hebrew Scriptures. In the 16th verse of the first chapter, Ruth says “Where you go, I will go; your people will be my people.”

To me, this scripture says exactly what marriage is about. Marriage is about saying, day after day, I will go where you go and your people will be my people.

It is hard to stay together. It is hard to be a couple. The reason is pretty simple: we do not always want to go where the other person is going, and we do not always want to have the other person’s people. 

There are times when your husband’s family are awful and you do not want them. There are times when your wife wants to go in a direction that you do not have any interest in.

Yet choosing, day after day, to go where the other goes and to hold the other’s people dear, this is the foundation of a long-lasting marriage.  It is when a couple chooses to keep secrets, to hold each other’s family at arm’s length, and to go in different directions, that relationships start to crumble.

Here’s a case in point. I know a couple that has chosen to divorce after many years of marriage. Why?  Because at some point, each decided to go in a different direction.

They kept separate checking accounts, moved into separate rooms, and developed their own lives – largely online – that they attempted to keep secret from one another. And while they maintain a genuine friendship, and continue to care for one another, the marriage has come to an end. It ended because the secrets became known and the different life-directions became obvious. The pain and trauma is going to take years to work through.

Do you want to stay married forever? The way to do it is simple, yet very hard. Choose, day after day, to go where the other goes. Choose, day after day, to make the other’s people your people. You cannot maintain secrets, especially online. You cannot enjoy the company of other people more than you enjoy the company of your spouse. You cannot ignore or hate the other’s friends and family. 

You cannot go in different directions.

If you do choose to go in different directions, eventually you will tear the fabric of the relationship apart, such that it cannot be repaired.

Think of your friends who have suffered a divorce or a relationship melt-down. Can you see when their lives started to move in different directions? I bet you can. I find that outsiders can often see what we, ourselves, try to hide. Couples that choose to move in different directions are usually obvious to their friends.

Want a happy Valentine’s day, and a long-lasting marriage? Keep moving in the same direction as your spouse.

Eric Brown is the pastor of Journey Church, which meets at Santa Cruz Elementary School at 10:15 on Sundays: www.JourneyUnitedMethodist.org.

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