Even mighty oaks begin to lean

When I think back on my childhood I always compare my older family members to oak trees. Strong, mighty and solid, I had to look up high in order to see their faces. It very much was like looking at tall trees. 

In my young eyes no force of nature could knock them down. They were rooted in the here and now — mother, father, aunts, uncles and grandparents.

They were nurturing to us young ones shading us from the sting of life when they could, always there for our benefit. Like all families, mine has gone through mighty storms. In my short time in the desert I’ve seen what storms do to trees. That stable tree that gave you shade in the summer and bear fruit in the fall is suddenly snatched up and taken out of your life by a force of nature you cannot control.

In my life, these once well-rooted family members have encountered death, mental illness, cancer and the occasional incarceration, all of which has been stressful and costly. 

My cousin said the cost of her father’s hospice was around $40,000. My grandmother’s funeral was a beautiful ceremony but a financial nightmare that sent an ax splintering through the root of our family at a time when you’d expect people to pull together. Most recently, a family member with nothing except parking tickets on her record was arrested at age 57. Her bail was set at $100,000. It has been a trying time and for those left to pick up the pieces it is simply a feeling of hopelessness.

Now, as an adult, I look over at these mighty oaks and they don’t seem so mighty anymore.  I’ve had to acknowledge that they are starting to lean. At first I didn’t want to admit that they were growing older.  I would ignore things like the occasional fender bender, forgetfulness, or conversations that became confusing.  Ignoring it was my way of propping them back up: “Oh sure they were getting older” I would say to myself, “but they are not old yet.”

When I digested all the events happening around me, it begs the question how prepared is my own family for such an event. My husband and I reviewed all our financial records and will.  We noticed that we needed to make some additions. My father has already passed away so that just leaves my mom. I knew it was time to find out about life insurance and driving records. I am lucky I can be pretty blunt with my mom.

There was not nervousness about it but I know it is intimidating to talk to your parents about what to do when they die. It feels as though you are waving their death certificate in their face and shouting “Hurry up and get everything in order cause you’re old and you’ll be dead soon and I want all your expensive stuff.”