Pushing buttons

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Part of performing marriage counseling is understanding the relationship dynamics that occur. One of the first things we deal with in sessions is “stop pushing the buttons.” I think you will all understand this concept if you simply look at your relationship with not only a spouse, but also a sibling, friend and even co-workers.

Everyone has “triggers” or “buttons” that are pushed by certain stimuli. Things like a turn of phrase, “You NEVER help around the house,” or perhaps a well timed “I told you that would happen” can trigger an emotional and sometimes physical response and reaction. As we grow closer in relationships, we begin to see how other people respond to such “triggers,” and, when we are in an argument or discussion that might not be going the way we want it to, we “push the button.”

Why do we do that? For many reasons (too many to discuss in this article); however, it doesn’t mean that we HAVE to push the buttons. As a pastor and chaplain, I’ve spent a lot of hours talking to couples who are dealing with a relationship that has gone sour. It only takes about 10-15 minutes in a counseling session to see what the buttons are in the relationship. The husband or wife says something that is guaranteed to get a reaction. That reaction is then used to justify the behavior of the “injured” party. This goes both ways!

So how do we correct this? How do we build up a relationship rather than tearing it down? (This goes not only for marriages, but also for family, work and even social relationships.) What is the secret to achieving that happy, joy-filled marriage or friendship? Here are four major steps to begin growing a deeper relationship:

1. Stop pushing the buttons. Make it a point to recognize your own behavior and its responses, and then do your best to not trigger your partner’s emotional responses. Change the tone. Change the timing.

2. Agree to disagree. There are certain areas in my wife’s and my life that we are just not going to see eye to eye on (Red Sox vs. Yankees, cleaning all at once vs. slowly accomplishing the job, etc.). Variety can be the spice of life. If it’s not life altering, make some changes.

3. H.A.L.T. Don’t have a major discussion when you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. I had one deputy’s wife agree that she wouldn’t discuss major issues that had happened at home until her husband had come home, taken a nap or watched a bit of TV and eaten something. Just remember H.A.L.T.

4. Positive reinforcement. When your wife bites her lip and doesn’t come out with the “You’re never available to help ME out” phrase, give her a hug and say thanks. Practice complimenting your spouse before you criticize something.

In tough times, emotions can flair up and cause damage that is not easily repaired. Pushing the buttons can exasperate the situation even more. As someone once told me: “True relationship happens when you learn how to forget the bad, foster the good and focus on each other.” Try it out; you’ll be amazed at the results.

Chris Ward is the pastor of Calvary Chapel Maricopa, which he co-founded with Clark Vangilder in May 2005. Calvary Chapel holds three services every Sunday morning in the Stagestop Marketplace. For more information, call (520) 568-5400 or go to www.calvarymaricopa.org.

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